Fry cook to millions sales letter (parody)

Please note, this is entirely fictitious, and any similarity to any guru marketers sales letter is entirely coincidental. Also, if you can’t figure this out, there is no product, and no way to pay me money. This is parody, not reality, although it could be real if you got on enough internet marketers lists.

BTW, you can sign up for my list, but please be careful when signing up for other peoples list.

Now to your regularly scheduled satire.

Banks have the money so where is yours?

Ex-McDennys insider shows you how to generate money on demand…

and bank it in your own private bank.

Some date that changes every day here!

From: Jon Griffin

Hi lazy people and marketers,

How would you like to pay $47 for a product that someone else puts on your computer while you sleep, and you collect the money?

Sounds too good to be true, well it is, but that won’t stop me from telling you about my new, super-duper, own your own bank overnight formula. I will also throw in a bonus that no one else can even come close to providing, your very own money mint. Please read the entire sales letter to learn about that exciting bonus.

Let me assure you there is:

  • No Selling

  • No Buying

  • No Website

  • No 24/7 Work

  • No Work at All

  • No Product (that is another story)

I am really going to make a bunch of people angry at me, but who cares, I won’t be public enemy #1 that was Al Capone and Cat the Bounty Hunter captured him before I was born.

My Story

Slum

I grew up a poor child. So poor, we didn’t even have shoe leather to eat, we had to eat tennis shoes with canvas. Believe me, I will never forget the first day I could afford a pair of leather shoes, boy were they so much more filling than canvas, but I digress.

I worked my way through my PhD at McDennys as their head programmer. In fact, they noticed my talent one day when I programmed the deep fryer to make the french frys just a little crunchier.

You see, as a graduate student and former McDennys programmer, I know how difficult life is. In fact, when I was researching this new program of mine, I  had to walk 10 miles to my office since I had no car or bike, and the bus didn’t go there, and all the taxi drivers left our piss-poor town. Did I mention that all this was uphill, both ways? and that I broke both my legs going to the bathroom one night when my near blindness led me to fall off my balcony.

Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t a bad job, but I was poor, even as vice-president of new technology, I barely cleared $15,000…. a month. Try to explain to your wife that she couldn’t get a new Lexus this year because things were just a little too tight this month.

Hell, I didn’t realize how little 15k a month really was until I was “forced” to live on it.

I watched all those fat cat marketers on the Internet raking in the money, all the while surfing at the beach in San Diego, and partying with the Kardashian sisters every night.

Why Couldn’t That Be Me?

I decided there and then, that I wanted to live the good life, and I realized all these gurus were making bank, while I was taken to the bank.

That was it. One day I just got fed up and decided to do a search on some long tail keywords on a famous search engine and there in the midst of the one page adsense sites was the holy grail. I had a new mission and that was to own the bank instead of paying the bank.

I will keep this long, so you can continue to read and I will probably throw a video on top with no controls so you can’t tell how long it is, or even pause or rewind it. I know your time is valuable, that is why I am using as much of it as I can.

Tandoor chef

Oh, don’t worry about me, since I quit my job at McDennys, I hired a team of programmers, that well, lets just say you can’t find them, only I could and that is why you need my “Fry cook to millions” program.

Homeless programmer How much money do you need?

$100 a day, $1000 a day, you just click the box on this software and it does the rest… Guaranteed.

I know most of you don’t really need $1000 a day, so I have built in greed controls that allow you to select exactly what you need today.

Your own Bank!

In fact this software is so revolutionary it not only credits your bank account instantly, it is your bank account!

You will have your own bank as soon as you answer just a few simple questions and click a button.

Where do you want it? Belize, Switzerland, New Zealand? It is your choice. When I told you I had the best programmers in the world, I wasn’t kidding. They figured out how to fast track your wealth creation and have your own bank anywhere in the world. It is so stealth, that not even the country it is in knows about it.

Just think, no taxes, no work, just party like a rock star while this magic program works wonders. If you need more money, simply spend 30 seconds of your precious day and hit the “partied hard” button and you will get an instant boost of cold, hard cash into your pockets.

What are you waiting for? Are you stupid?

There are only as many of these programs as I can sell available, so don’t miss out. The price may go up, but as you know it will go down… especially if you click the close window box and see the $10 discount available.

Just think a measly $47 (or $37 if you have any brains) and you can get your hands on “Fry cook to millions” program today.

FAKE BUTTON HERE, Nothing to click :)

P.S. If you are reading this you are a moron. Just click the stupid button and buy it. Everything comes with my personal, money-back guarantee that if I decide you don’t like it, I will give you your money back. Otherwise, you will buy every upsell that I decide to give you, at least 10 before you even purchase this. Don’t worry though, all these products are designed to help my millionare marketing friends make money off of you as well. You see, we trade lists, that is our dirty little secret, but you can’t play in our sandbox, so just do as we say.

End of satire, for those who didn’t know better.